So a few hours after my last post, E woke up at 2am and launched himself into full blown meltdown that woke our friends and M. It lasted over an hour, until he was eventually so exhausted that he fell asleep. However, aside from a little tiredness, we all had a happy day on Sunday, so I shall continue to claim the weekend as a success.
Today we had an appointment with E's psychologist, except he asked us that we try and leave the kids with someone for this session. My sister, bless her, had my two, but husband couldn't get out of work, so I went by myself. We talked mostly about Attachment Theory (he even had a little slideshow presentation on his laptop), and he went through the various Attachment Styles: Secure (50-60% of people), Insecure Ambivalent-Avoidant, Insecure Ambivalent-Anxious, and Insecure Disorganised (about 5%). He didn't go much in to the Disorganised Attachment Style he said it is quite rare and generally seen in children who are very badly abused or neglected.
He asked which style I thought related to E, and we agreed that what I concurred last week was true: E has an Insecure Ambivalent-Anxious Attachment style. But, here's where I went wrong. He explained that Attachment is all about needs, and whether or not they are met. In a child with special needs, like E, I could be a near-perfect parent and still be facing the same issues. He reminded me that only 50-60% of children have a Secure Attachment style anyway, and that first time parents respond appropriately to challenging behaviours only 12% of the time!!! He is a developmental and educational psychologist, and is a Triple P Parenting provider (can't link on the blogger app, but google away!) so I trust that he is not just pulling these stats out of his bottom.
He was also saying that it's not bad parenting, it's not just kids who have alcoholics for parents, or who work 80 hour weeks. He said in my case, my post-natal depression was probably a contributing factor, which makes me feel bad, but I still feel like I manage my depression well so we do as well as we can. It is not my fault I have/had depression.
Anyhow, he was saying that the 'trouble' with autism is that it limits a person's ability or interest in forming attachments. So we were working against one another from the start. He also said that these Attachment Styles are "slow-moving traits." A trait is something that is generally ingrained and can't really be changed. He used the example of a person who is introverted. They can go off and do a course to learn how to speak in public, but they will never be the kind of person who dances on a table top in a pub. So, Attachment Styles are somewhat ingrained, but can still be changed. He said not to expect immediate changes, and that any change will be gradual and the result of some hard work by all of us. But at least there is some evidence to suggest it can be done. I think to the future and how this will influence him as a teen, a young adult, in relationships and so on if we don't intervene now, and it's quite motivating.
He gave me some truly useful and practical advice. He said that although E has not responded well to sticker charts in the past, it is worth trying them again. I suggested that Husband and I know him best so between us, we could make a huge effort to find some way to make a reward chart work. He gave me a few different ideas, like instead of a sticker, using a puzzle piece and having to make the whole puzzle before he receives his reward. He said it will be useful for us as a means of encouraging us to notice all of the good stuff he does, and all of the positive behaviour. He said we need to let him know explicitly all the things we do for him and provide for him, so he begins to understand that we ARE meeting his needs and that we appreciate him. He said it may seem silly to parents with typical children, but even stuff like "here is your cereal that I got for you, E. I am so glad that I could give you such a yummy breakfast today. I hope you like the cereal I got for you."
We have only just realized that E has a problem with his working memory. His long-term memory is remarkable, and his short term memory is OK, but I think the working memory issues explain a lot. We have been playing at parrot talking, where I say something and he repeats it. This was one part of an assessment we did with the speech pathologist, and in mentioning it to the OT, we have decided what the problem is. He can process a simple sentence, like "the cat sat on the mat" and can repeat that back to me, but once it gets more complicated, like "the cat sat on the mat and scratched himself," he can't repeat that or even rephrase it. This obviously has an impact on how he responds to requests, and might explain why it often seems like he is deaf!
The main thing though is that we must make our lives and his environment as reliable, consistent and organised as possible. This is something we seem to always be working on as Husband and I are not naturally tidy or organised, and both tend to live in the moment. But if we work together and start small, we can do this. For E.
Anyway, that is all I have time to write. Husbandface just got home and I need to run through it all with him before it falls out of my head.
Oh and he also suggested visuals for processes and for our days etc. We have tried this unsuccessfully before, but will try again. I printed off some free images from the net. I will take some photos when I've made the charts.
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