I am coping better with E's distress when I leave him now or can't do something for him. I have started to think about it like this: E is a kid that does not like change. It upsets him a lot when things don't go the way they usually do, and when people do things they don't usually do. This is why he flips out when I go out on my own, or do anything on my own, because he is used to having me around. I am not abandoning him or ignoring his needs. It is just hard for him because it is different. The more I do it, the less different it will be become, and he will gradually be less and less distressed by it. It is not my fault.
So I just keep telling myself that when I am feeling close to caving, and it helps so much. I need to feel like it is not my fault, which gives me the strength I need to just do it.
And it is working for him. I spent yesterday afternoon pampering myself and christmas shopping while the kids stayed home with husband face. He was so upset that I was leaving, but he had a great afternoon with his Dad and I came home to a happy house. Then, he was mucking around in the big bed at bed time, so we said, if you do it again, you have to go in your own bed. No negotiations. So he starts doing somersaults and husband face takes him to his own bed. He was screaming and crying, kicking the walls and his Dad. But he fell asleep. And for the first time in his 4.5 years of life, when he woke up (as he does many times during the night) he called for his Dad and not for me. I am so excited and happy about this that I am awake at 6am and nobody else is!
Moving on to something else..
E has a wonderful vocabulary and great expressive language, but he says some words wrong. He can't seem to help it and doesn't seem to recognize that he is using the wrong word in place of another, even after we have corrected him.
For example, he says
"lion" instead of "line"
"wizard teeth" instead of "wisdom teeth"
"crutz" instead of "crotch"
"eject shop" instead of "reject shop"
He also says "gravy yard" instead of "graveyard." We passed a graveyard in the car the other day, and he was asking what the tombstones were. I was trying to explain without freaking him out, and M pipes up "Don't want gravy on chips! Want sauce! Tomato sauce!" and E was like... 'Wtf? Why is she talking about sauce and gravy when I am talking about a graveyard?' So I was trying to explain that he says "gravy" instead of "grave" and he just had no idea what I was talking about. And she is yelling "want chips now! No gravy!" Fark it was flipping hilarious, but maybe you just had to be there ;)
Friday, December 21, 2012
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Doctor, Doctor!
We saw our pediatrician today for the second time. He had us fill in an evaluation that I now cannot remember the name of! Gr! Something about identifying developmental delays I suppose. So he looked at that while we were there but did not comment much. I am hoping he will CC us the letter he sends to our GP as he did last time. We also showed him the results of E's speech assessment, which said she did not test his receptive language ability (only expressive) due to time constraints and non-compliance, so he said that may be worth revisiting further down the track.
He seemed concerned mainly with E's sleep. He has nightmares, night terrors and terrible separation anxiety throughout the night. We told him that we had followed up on his advice to contact Redbank House who I have mentioned before. They deal with child and adolescent mental health "stuff." They can't see us until March, but he says that is actually quite a short wait so that's good. He said they should be able to help more with the sleep stuff.
He said obviously we should just keep treating it as "high functioning autism" and follow the recommended guidelines for early intervention which we are doing.
He bought up medication again but agreed with us that it is not 100% in E's best interest to go down that path (yet.)
He also asked if we wanted to do blood tests for genetic testing, looking for abnormalities on the genome that may show that there it is a genetic factor. He said it is helpful from an academic point of view, but considering E's anxiety, would likely cause him extreme stress (yes indeed it would!!!!!!), and it isn't going to help us in treating him. So we have that on the back burner for now. Autism is in my family so there probably is a genetic factor, but like he said, not worth the stress of looking at that now.
So that was that and we see him again in 6 months. I think husbandface was slightly disheartened, but I didn't expect much more than what we got out of the appointment. E was less distressed than he was during the initial consultation so if nothing else, we have at least proven to him that it wasn't as bad as he had been imagining for 2 months.
In other news, E is back on the sticker chart wagon! Hooray! He placed the last sticker last night and after careful consideration, decided he would like an alarm clock for his reward. Just what every 4 year old wants?
I thought we would be looking for ages, but he spotted one he loved in the first shop we went to. To be fair, it is kind of awesome!
He seemed concerned mainly with E's sleep. He has nightmares, night terrors and terrible separation anxiety throughout the night. We told him that we had followed up on his advice to contact Redbank House who I have mentioned before. They deal with child and adolescent mental health "stuff." They can't see us until March, but he says that is actually quite a short wait so that's good. He said they should be able to help more with the sleep stuff.
He said obviously we should just keep treating it as "high functioning autism" and follow the recommended guidelines for early intervention which we are doing.
He bought up medication again but agreed with us that it is not 100% in E's best interest to go down that path (yet.)
He also asked if we wanted to do blood tests for genetic testing, looking for abnormalities on the genome that may show that there it is a genetic factor. He said it is helpful from an academic point of view, but considering E's anxiety, would likely cause him extreme stress (yes indeed it would!!!!!!), and it isn't going to help us in treating him. So we have that on the back burner for now. Autism is in my family so there probably is a genetic factor, but like he said, not worth the stress of looking at that now.
So that was that and we see him again in 6 months. I think husbandface was slightly disheartened, but I didn't expect much more than what we got out of the appointment. E was less distressed than he was during the initial consultation so if nothing else, we have at least proven to him that it wasn't as bad as he had been imagining for 2 months.
In other news, E is back on the sticker chart wagon! Hooray! He placed the last sticker last night and after careful consideration, decided he would like an alarm clock for his reward. Just what every 4 year old wants?
I thought we would be looking for ages, but he spotted one he loved in the first shop we went to. To be fair, it is kind of awesome!
Saturday, December 15, 2012
The Sweetest Things
I was tidying E's room earlier tonight and opened one of his little cupboards. I took a photo of what I found. The top shelf has all the deodorants and perfumes from the whole house. He loves smelly stuff and loves smelling nice. The second shelf has photo albums, mainly baby photos of E. The third shelf has buttons and clasps and whatnot from a special button box of mine that used to belong to my Nan. I didn't realise he had taken the photo albums or the buttons, but to see them treated with such care makes me want to weep. So sweet. I just shut the cupboard and didn't say anything. I don't mind if he wants to hold on to them.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Moving On
We have decided to stop seeing our OT and start seeing someone with more experience. Unfortunately, we don't have an assessment with this more experienced OT until February. So for now, we are just seeing the psychologist, and have a follow up appointment with the pediatrician next week.
Things have been going reasonably well. E is coping really well with my newfound firmness. I had him doing jobs to earn the money to buy the little toy he wanted, and we have taken down our Christmas tree after our warning were ignored and he would not stop messing around with it. As anticipated, the reward charts have lost their impact, but we are keeping it up, hoping he will regain some enthusiasm.
Things have been going reasonably well. E is coping really well with my newfound firmness. I had him doing jobs to earn the money to buy the little toy he wanted, and we have taken down our Christmas tree after our warning were ignored and he would not stop messing around with it. As anticipated, the reward charts have lost their impact, but we are keeping it up, hoping he will regain some enthusiasm.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Speech Results and whatnot..
I have not been coping beautifully the last few days. I am trying so hard to be assertive and consistent with the kids, but in doing that, it is forcing me to look at why it is so difficult for me to do that in the first place. I have been googling things like "how to unspoil your child" and so on. I hate that I am responsible for having made things harder, but the self-awareness I have does not fix the problem. I recognise that I have problems saying "No" to the kids, but have no idea how to stop myself. Perhaps it seems self-indulgent to talk about myself so much here. I have read many blogs and heard stories from many people, and they talk about their child and their child's condition, and not so much about themselves. But I am right at the centre of his universe and my mood, my history, my personality, all impact upon his life. Perhaps this blog should be called "parenting with a mental illness" or something. Who knows.Moving on. We got our results from the speech assessment. E scored at least average or above on all of parts of the assessment, and she has not recommended further therapy. So there we go. We aren't going to pursue further speech therapy, and have actually made the decision to find a new occupational therapist. We are very happy with the psychologist for the time being. And as promised, I have some photos of the visual charts we made with E. We did a hand washing sequence, and have a poster of house rules as well, which is proving to be handy as we refer to them often, and go through all of them again with both kids whenever they forget what is expected of them. I tried to make a sequencing chart for going to the toilet, as we are trying to encourage E to wipe himself, but he thought the pictures were disgusting and go quite upset, so we ditched it.All of the pictures were downloaded from a free website - http://www.visualaidsforlearning.comI have plans to make a getting ready for school/getting ready to start the day sequence chart as well, but did not want to overload him at the beginning. We have almost given up on the reward chart as, as always, he completely lost interest after a few days. I will give it one last big shot tomorrow, though. Perhaps if we re not spoiling him so much then a sticker will become more significant for him. We are trying to develop a focus for the chart as well as I think that will help. At the moment, he gets stickers for random things like using nice manners, helping around the house, or being kind to his sister, but I'm not sure what to focus on exactly. NB we changed the "I do it myself" picture to a "listen" picture. I'm not really sure why I out. The do it myself one on there in the first place! Nb again - it won't work from the iPad, so will edit this later with my little pictures.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Spoke Too Soon! (& Feeling Less Guilty)
So a few hours after my last post, E woke up at 2am and launched himself into full blown meltdown that woke our friends and M. It lasted over an hour, until he was eventually so exhausted that he fell asleep. However, aside from a little tiredness, we all had a happy day on Sunday, so I shall continue to claim the weekend as a success.
Today we had an appointment with E's psychologist, except he asked us that we try and leave the kids with someone for this session. My sister, bless her, had my two, but husband couldn't get out of work, so I went by myself. We talked mostly about Attachment Theory (he even had a little slideshow presentation on his laptop), and he went through the various Attachment Styles: Secure (50-60% of people), Insecure Ambivalent-Avoidant, Insecure Ambivalent-Anxious, and Insecure Disorganised (about 5%). He didn't go much in to the Disorganised Attachment Style he said it is quite rare and generally seen in children who are very badly abused or neglected.
He asked which style I thought related to E, and we agreed that what I concurred last week was true: E has an Insecure Ambivalent-Anxious Attachment style. But, here's where I went wrong. He explained that Attachment is all about needs, and whether or not they are met. In a child with special needs, like E, I could be a near-perfect parent and still be facing the same issues. He reminded me that only 50-60% of children have a Secure Attachment style anyway, and that first time parents respond appropriately to challenging behaviours only 12% of the time!!! He is a developmental and educational psychologist, and is a Triple P Parenting provider (can't link on the blogger app, but google away!) so I trust that he is not just pulling these stats out of his bottom.
He was also saying that it's not bad parenting, it's not just kids who have alcoholics for parents, or who work 80 hour weeks. He said in my case, my post-natal depression was probably a contributing factor, which makes me feel bad, but I still feel like I manage my depression well so we do as well as we can. It is not my fault I have/had depression.
Anyhow, he was saying that the 'trouble' with autism is that it limits a person's ability or interest in forming attachments. So we were working against one another from the start. He also said that these Attachment Styles are "slow-moving traits." A trait is something that is generally ingrained and can't really be changed. He used the example of a person who is introverted. They can go off and do a course to learn how to speak in public, but they will never be the kind of person who dances on a table top in a pub. So, Attachment Styles are somewhat ingrained, but can still be changed. He said not to expect immediate changes, and that any change will be gradual and the result of some hard work by all of us. But at least there is some evidence to suggest it can be done. I think to the future and how this will influence him as a teen, a young adult, in relationships and so on if we don't intervene now, and it's quite motivating.
He gave me some truly useful and practical advice. He said that although E has not responded well to sticker charts in the past, it is worth trying them again. I suggested that Husband and I know him best so between us, we could make a huge effort to find some way to make a reward chart work. He gave me a few different ideas, like instead of a sticker, using a puzzle piece and having to make the whole puzzle before he receives his reward. He said it will be useful for us as a means of encouraging us to notice all of the good stuff he does, and all of the positive behaviour. He said we need to let him know explicitly all the things we do for him and provide for him, so he begins to understand that we ARE meeting his needs and that we appreciate him. He said it may seem silly to parents with typical children, but even stuff like "here is your cereal that I got for you, E. I am so glad that I could give you such a yummy breakfast today. I hope you like the cereal I got for you."
We have only just realized that E has a problem with his working memory. His long-term memory is remarkable, and his short term memory is OK, but I think the working memory issues explain a lot. We have been playing at parrot talking, where I say something and he repeats it. This was one part of an assessment we did with the speech pathologist, and in mentioning it to the OT, we have decided what the problem is. He can process a simple sentence, like "the cat sat on the mat" and can repeat that back to me, but once it gets more complicated, like "the cat sat on the mat and scratched himself," he can't repeat that or even rephrase it. This obviously has an impact on how he responds to requests, and might explain why it often seems like he is deaf!
The main thing though is that we must make our lives and his environment as reliable, consistent and organised as possible. This is something we seem to always be working on as Husband and I are not naturally tidy or organised, and both tend to live in the moment. But if we work together and start small, we can do this. For E.
Anyway, that is all I have time to write. Husbandface just got home and I need to run through it all with him before it falls out of my head.
Oh and he also suggested visuals for processes and for our days etc. We have tried this unsuccessfully before, but will try again. I printed off some free images from the net. I will take some photos when I've made the charts.
Today we had an appointment with E's psychologist, except he asked us that we try and leave the kids with someone for this session. My sister, bless her, had my two, but husband couldn't get out of work, so I went by myself. We talked mostly about Attachment Theory (he even had a little slideshow presentation on his laptop), and he went through the various Attachment Styles: Secure (50-60% of people), Insecure Ambivalent-Avoidant, Insecure Ambivalent-Anxious, and Insecure Disorganised (about 5%). He didn't go much in to the Disorganised Attachment Style he said it is quite rare and generally seen in children who are very badly abused or neglected.
He asked which style I thought related to E, and we agreed that what I concurred last week was true: E has an Insecure Ambivalent-Anxious Attachment style. But, here's where I went wrong. He explained that Attachment is all about needs, and whether or not they are met. In a child with special needs, like E, I could be a near-perfect parent and still be facing the same issues. He reminded me that only 50-60% of children have a Secure Attachment style anyway, and that first time parents respond appropriately to challenging behaviours only 12% of the time!!! He is a developmental and educational psychologist, and is a Triple P Parenting provider (can't link on the blogger app, but google away!) so I trust that he is not just pulling these stats out of his bottom.
He was also saying that it's not bad parenting, it's not just kids who have alcoholics for parents, or who work 80 hour weeks. He said in my case, my post-natal depression was probably a contributing factor, which makes me feel bad, but I still feel like I manage my depression well so we do as well as we can. It is not my fault I have/had depression.
Anyhow, he was saying that the 'trouble' with autism is that it limits a person's ability or interest in forming attachments. So we were working against one another from the start. He also said that these Attachment Styles are "slow-moving traits." A trait is something that is generally ingrained and can't really be changed. He used the example of a person who is introverted. They can go off and do a course to learn how to speak in public, but they will never be the kind of person who dances on a table top in a pub. So, Attachment Styles are somewhat ingrained, but can still be changed. He said not to expect immediate changes, and that any change will be gradual and the result of some hard work by all of us. But at least there is some evidence to suggest it can be done. I think to the future and how this will influence him as a teen, a young adult, in relationships and so on if we don't intervene now, and it's quite motivating.
He gave me some truly useful and practical advice. He said that although E has not responded well to sticker charts in the past, it is worth trying them again. I suggested that Husband and I know him best so between us, we could make a huge effort to find some way to make a reward chart work. He gave me a few different ideas, like instead of a sticker, using a puzzle piece and having to make the whole puzzle before he receives his reward. He said it will be useful for us as a means of encouraging us to notice all of the good stuff he does, and all of the positive behaviour. He said we need to let him know explicitly all the things we do for him and provide for him, so he begins to understand that we ARE meeting his needs and that we appreciate him. He said it may seem silly to parents with typical children, but even stuff like "here is your cereal that I got for you, E. I am so glad that I could give you such a yummy breakfast today. I hope you like the cereal I got for you."
We have only just realized that E has a problem with his working memory. His long-term memory is remarkable, and his short term memory is OK, but I think the working memory issues explain a lot. We have been playing at parrot talking, where I say something and he repeats it. This was one part of an assessment we did with the speech pathologist, and in mentioning it to the OT, we have decided what the problem is. He can process a simple sentence, like "the cat sat on the mat" and can repeat that back to me, but once it gets more complicated, like "the cat sat on the mat and scratched himself," he can't repeat that or even rephrase it. This obviously has an impact on how he responds to requests, and might explain why it often seems like he is deaf!
The main thing though is that we must make our lives and his environment as reliable, consistent and organised as possible. This is something we seem to always be working on as Husband and I are not naturally tidy or organised, and both tend to live in the moment. But if we work together and start small, we can do this. For E.
Anyway, that is all I have time to write. Husbandface just got home and I need to run through it all with him before it falls out of my head.
Oh and he also suggested visuals for processes and for our days etc. We have tried this unsuccessfully before, but will try again. I printed off some free images from the net. I will take some photos when I've made the charts.
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Continuing To Be Surprised
We are staying in a holiday house this weekend with three friends of ours. They don't have any kids, but they are very lovely and enthusiastic about mine, bless.
E has been amazing. He had been alternating between being totally excited about coming to bawling his eyes out with dread. He desperately did not want to sleep away from home, and was adamant that he would not. Well, he has. Twice. And has been a total dream in between.
We went to the beach which he was also dreading. He loves shallow water, but is very scared of drowning. After some trepidation, my friends managed to coax him over to where the water was racing up the beach, and he loved it. He had a wonderful time and I am so proud of him for facing his fear.
He seems so determined this weekend to be just one of the adults. He keeps telling me I am embarrassing him! He needed to poop, which is very often a hassle when we are away from home. He went through a period of almost a year where he would just hold it in for days and days because he just seemed to hate going to the toilet. We now have him OK with going at home, but somewhere else is much trickier. But anyway. What does he do? He walks to the loo silently, closes the door, wipes his OWN bottom (has never happened EVER), washes hands, returns to table. Insane. Husband face and I were staring at each other in disbelief!
I think so much if his anxiety comes from fear. He is so afraid of hurting himself, or dying (he talks about this fear a lot), and is so self-conscious in his actions and movements. I really hope the psych can help, because this has been an amazing glimpse into what life could be like for him. I'm not sure what it is about this weekend; perhaps I am just really relaxed and he is picking up on that, but he is so much more confident and relaxed than usual. He still didn't want me to go and get takeaway without him, and he has still made little piles of treasures that he is very anxious about anybody moving or touching, but they are minor things. It is so lovely to see him be able to be himself and have a good time. It has been a wonderful surprise.
E has been amazing. He had been alternating between being totally excited about coming to bawling his eyes out with dread. He desperately did not want to sleep away from home, and was adamant that he would not. Well, he has. Twice. And has been a total dream in between.
We went to the beach which he was also dreading. He loves shallow water, but is very scared of drowning. After some trepidation, my friends managed to coax him over to where the water was racing up the beach, and he loved it. He had a wonderful time and I am so proud of him for facing his fear.
He seems so determined this weekend to be just one of the adults. He keeps telling me I am embarrassing him! He needed to poop, which is very often a hassle when we are away from home. He went through a period of almost a year where he would just hold it in for days and days because he just seemed to hate going to the toilet. We now have him OK with going at home, but somewhere else is much trickier. But anyway. What does he do? He walks to the loo silently, closes the door, wipes his OWN bottom (has never happened EVER), washes hands, returns to table. Insane. Husband face and I were staring at each other in disbelief!
I think so much if his anxiety comes from fear. He is so afraid of hurting himself, or dying (he talks about this fear a lot), and is so self-conscious in his actions and movements. I really hope the psych can help, because this has been an amazing glimpse into what life could be like for him. I'm not sure what it is about this weekend; perhaps I am just really relaxed and he is picking up on that, but he is so much more confident and relaxed than usual. He still didn't want me to go and get takeaway without him, and he has still made little piles of treasures that he is very anxious about anybody moving or touching, but they are minor things. It is so lovely to see him be able to be himself and have a good time. It has been a wonderful surprise.
Monday, November 26, 2012
New People - The Speechie, & Ambivalent Attachment
Well, I am glad the speech assessment is over. It was supposed to take 45 minutes and ended up taking an hour and 45 minutes. E started sobbing the minute I said we were going to meet the speech pathologist, and didn't give me much chance to explain or try and reassure him, so I opted for a bribe quite early on in the day. I said I would take him to get a new miniature skateboard or bike (those little rip-off things that fit in your hand that he is currently obsessed with) before we went to the appointment. So, he calmed down and we went to the shop. He picked his little toy and we drove from there to the Speech Pathologist's. At first, he was O.K. I was actually quite relieved because he just sat on the bench waiting patiently for her, wheeling his new mini bike up and down his leg. He sat next to me, trying to bury himself in to my back/side/shirt as we went through some paperwork, but would not sit opposite her at the desk to do the assessments. He wouldn't speak at all, but fortunately, the first task just required him to point at some pictures. He was sitting half on me, half on the ground, t-shirt pulled up over his head with one eye looking out while sucking his collar. He went from getting every question correct to stuffing them all up, so the therapist and I tried to get him out of his t-shirt, off me and on to a chair.
Cue meltdown.
The therapist said to him "I don't think you even CAN talk" and E started shaking. His face went bright red and he SCREAMED at her "I CAN talk ACTUALLY!" and cried, and cried, and cried, and hid under the tiny chair, pulled at my clothes, ripped my hair etc. Awesome. In the end, the therapist ended up hiding in her office and spying on us while I did the assessment. Fortunately, it was all pretty straight forward for me, but jeepers. Exhausting.
Anyway, the good news is that we were right, and he doesn't seem to have any significant problems with his speech. We ran so far over time that she couldn't do one particular assessment, so we have to go back next week I think. Ahhh! Anyway, she said he just struggled a bit with pronouns e.g. His/hers, but I have never noticed a problem with that in real life. Otherwise, he struggled a bit with repeating sentences I said to him. I think he is just not a very good listener, especially in that situation! Anyhow, she said probably another 2 sessions and we will be done. Hooray!
Moving on to
Ambivalent Attachment
So, Attachment Theory (according to Wikipedia) describes the dynamics of long-term relationships between humans. Its most important tenet is that an infant needs to develop a relationship with at least one primary caregiver for social and emotional development to occur normally. Attachment theory explains how much the parents relationship with the child influences development. So this is all relevant for a 0-2 year old which is when these attachment behaviors are being established. Childhood, adolescence and adulthood all follow on from that so can obviously be effected.
Secure Attachment is what you want for your kids. It means they will cry when you leave, and be comforted by your return. You are their rock, and you are stable and consistent enough that they trust and rely on you to be the one who looks after them.
Ambivalent Attachment is different. Also known as Anxious Attachment, it describes a much smaller number of children who respond with a great deal of distress when the primary caregiver leaves, but are both comforted and aggravated by her return. It is the 'push/pull' kid, who pushes the caregiver away then panic and pulls them back again.
Oh Lordy is this our boy. It comes from inconsistent, incoherent or ambivalent responses from parents to a child's needs. Jeepers I am bawling just writing this. It doesn't necessarily come from negligent parents, or terrible parents. It can happen in children who are put in to day care at a young age, children with parents who are physically or mentally ill.
We don't know how this has happened to E. Not entirely. Research suggests it is something that can be passed down from generation to generation, and it was both mine and husband face's experiences as a child. I am trying not to get too cut up about it. I love E and always have, but we were very young when we had him, and I was so very, very depressed. I always said I was a terrible mother and maybe I am. Or maybe he is just a particularly sensitive kind of kid. Maybe it is our histories. Fuck, I don't know. I want to fix it. That's what I do know. I want to break the cycle. By some miracle, M has a secure attachment, so at least we have only managed to f*** one kid up.
I don't know how to fix it, but I hope we have figured this out in time to help him.
I can't speak for husband face's childhood, and out of respect for my parents, I won't talk about them either, but the impact of their histories are starting to become clear. It is obvious that our experiences in childhood help form the scaffolding of our own parenting styles, and I think there comes a point where you have to rip out all the rusty, wobbly bits for fear of collapse. Ya dig?
This is very hard to post about, very hard for me to even understand. I am
hoping our psychologist can really help us with this. All he did was ask us if we'd read much on Attachment Theory and I have read all the rest of this on my own, and all of these little bombs were exploding in my head as I read. I am not a professional, so maybe I am on the wrong track, but I'm not usually. We will see. Lots of work to do. I feel fuxking terrible.
Cue meltdown.
The therapist said to him "I don't think you even CAN talk" and E started shaking. His face went bright red and he SCREAMED at her "I CAN talk ACTUALLY!" and cried, and cried, and cried, and hid under the tiny chair, pulled at my clothes, ripped my hair etc. Awesome. In the end, the therapist ended up hiding in her office and spying on us while I did the assessment. Fortunately, it was all pretty straight forward for me, but jeepers. Exhausting.
Anyway, the good news is that we were right, and he doesn't seem to have any significant problems with his speech. We ran so far over time that she couldn't do one particular assessment, so we have to go back next week I think. Ahhh! Anyway, she said he just struggled a bit with pronouns e.g. His/hers, but I have never noticed a problem with that in real life. Otherwise, he struggled a bit with repeating sentences I said to him. I think he is just not a very good listener, especially in that situation! Anyhow, she said probably another 2 sessions and we will be done. Hooray!
Moving on to
Ambivalent Attachment
So, Attachment Theory (according to Wikipedia) describes the dynamics of long-term relationships between humans. Its most important tenet is that an infant needs to develop a relationship with at least one primary caregiver for social and emotional development to occur normally. Attachment theory explains how much the parents relationship with the child influences development. So this is all relevant for a 0-2 year old which is when these attachment behaviors are being established. Childhood, adolescence and adulthood all follow on from that so can obviously be effected.
Secure Attachment is what you want for your kids. It means they will cry when you leave, and be comforted by your return. You are their rock, and you are stable and consistent enough that they trust and rely on you to be the one who looks after them.
Ambivalent Attachment is different. Also known as Anxious Attachment, it describes a much smaller number of children who respond with a great deal of distress when the primary caregiver leaves, but are both comforted and aggravated by her return. It is the 'push/pull' kid, who pushes the caregiver away then panic and pulls them back again.
Oh Lordy is this our boy. It comes from inconsistent, incoherent or ambivalent responses from parents to a child's needs. Jeepers I am bawling just writing this. It doesn't necessarily come from negligent parents, or terrible parents. It can happen in children who are put in to day care at a young age, children with parents who are physically or mentally ill.
We don't know how this has happened to E. Not entirely. Research suggests it is something that can be passed down from generation to generation, and it was both mine and husband face's experiences as a child. I am trying not to get too cut up about it. I love E and always have, but we were very young when we had him, and I was so very, very depressed. I always said I was a terrible mother and maybe I am. Or maybe he is just a particularly sensitive kind of kid. Maybe it is our histories. Fuck, I don't know. I want to fix it. That's what I do know. I want to break the cycle. By some miracle, M has a secure attachment, so at least we have only managed to f*** one kid up.
I don't know how to fix it, but I hope we have figured this out in time to help him.
I can't speak for husband face's childhood, and out of respect for my parents, I won't talk about them either, but the impact of their histories are starting to become clear. It is obvious that our experiences in childhood help form the scaffolding of our own parenting styles, and I think there comes a point where you have to rip out all the rusty, wobbly bits for fear of collapse. Ya dig?
This is very hard to post about, very hard for me to even understand. I am
hoping our psychologist can really help us with this. All he did was ask us if we'd read much on Attachment Theory and I have read all the rest of this on my own, and all of these little bombs were exploding in my head as I read. I am not a professional, so maybe I am on the wrong track, but I'm not usually. We will see. Lots of work to do. I feel fuxking terrible.
That Familiar Feeling...
of DREAD! Ugh!
I managed to book E in for a speech assessment tomorrow morning. He doesn't know yet that we are going. I don't want to risk him losing sleep worrying about it. The speech pathologist seems very nice. She had a son with autism herself, and has a special interest in helping families who have children 'on the spectrum.' We discussed whether or not we though he even needed therapy (remembering that husband and I never even considered it for E until our occupational therapist suggested it), and her opinion based on what I told her is that he would probably benefit more from time spent at preschool or with other kids than he would from therapy. But we (she and I) decided to go ahead and assess him anyway, and see if any concerns are raised.
She needs him to be calm (unlikely), cooperative (highly unlikely) and preferably, alone (impossible.) She had also requested we leave M at home. Any time we go somewhere without her, he knows it will be intense, but I understand it from the therapist's point of view.
M is actually getting considerably harder to take to E's appointments. She is approaching 2 years old, and is really living up to the role of the tantruming toddler! She has developed a particular dislike of wearing nappies, but is not ready for toilet training, so every nappy change is like wrestling a tiny crocodile. If you can get the nappy on her, she generally manages to figure how to take it off, quite often in public, and rolls about on the ground squealing "I a sushi roll! I a sushi roll!"
I imagine it will get trickier before it gets easier.
Anyway, wish me luck. Next blog post I will talk about something called Ambivalent Attachment. I bet you can hardly wait ;)
I managed to book E in for a speech assessment tomorrow morning. He doesn't know yet that we are going. I don't want to risk him losing sleep worrying about it. The speech pathologist seems very nice. She had a son with autism herself, and has a special interest in helping families who have children 'on the spectrum.' We discussed whether or not we though he even needed therapy (remembering that husband and I never even considered it for E until our occupational therapist suggested it), and her opinion based on what I told her is that he would probably benefit more from time spent at preschool or with other kids than he would from therapy. But we (she and I) decided to go ahead and assess him anyway, and see if any concerns are raised.
She needs him to be calm (unlikely), cooperative (highly unlikely) and preferably, alone (impossible.) She had also requested we leave M at home. Any time we go somewhere without her, he knows it will be intense, but I understand it from the therapist's point of view.
M is actually getting considerably harder to take to E's appointments. She is approaching 2 years old, and is really living up to the role of the tantruming toddler! She has developed a particular dislike of wearing nappies, but is not ready for toilet training, so every nappy change is like wrestling a tiny crocodile. If you can get the nappy on her, she generally manages to figure how to take it off, quite often in public, and rolls about on the ground squealing "I a sushi roll! I a sushi roll!"
I imagine it will get trickier before it gets easier.
Anyway, wish me luck. Next blog post I will talk about something called Ambivalent Attachment. I bet you can hardly wait ;)
Thursday, November 22, 2012
New People - The Psych
Yesterday afternoon, I called a psychologist who sounded (from some online blurbs) like a good choice for us. He is a clinical psychologist, as well as a developmental and behavioral psychologist. They had a free appointment at 10 this morning so we met him today before our occupational therapy session. He is very good, and E seemed quite comfortable there. I think he may have even said a few words, which is remarkable. He seems very clued in to what we might need, and I am looking forward to us working with him. He is also extremely good looking *blush.* Not a necessary attribute, but it does well to increase my enthusiasm.
I know we haven't been doing nothing, but it has felt a bit like we have been stuck on pause for a while now, and this week, someone has hit the play button.
Have a happy weekend x
I know we haven't been doing nothing, but it has felt a bit like we have been stuck on pause for a while now, and this week, someone has hit the play button.
Have a happy weekend x
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
A Little Project
I stayed up until the wee hours of this morning googling schools, speech therapists etc. I woke up this morning very tired and full of regret! I was falling asleep on the sofa and thought, I need to go out before I flake out!! So, I took the kids to the hardware store to get some supplies for a project.
There's an activity at preschool that E is drawn to, so I thought I would make a home version. It is basically a... Shape board? I have no idea what it's called, but this is what you will need
A square piece of wood
Nails (flat topped are best)
A hammer
Measuring tape/ruler
Lead pencil
Rubber bands or similar
We got our wood from Bunnings. We bought a 1.2m length of pine for around $9, which we got my Dad to cut in to 5 squares. We only need one square, but can use the rest for other projects.
Sand the edges of the wood if you need to, then using your ruler and pencil, mark the wood with equally spaces dots to create a grid, like so
Next, you need to hammer a nail in to each pencil mark. How deep you go is up to you, but don't flatten it. I hammered them in to start then let E give them a whack for good measure. Great fine motor activity, also wonderful for concentration! But parental supervision is a must with littlies like E.
When you have finished hammering, you are done! Grab your elastic bands (or hair bands, in our case!) and you can start creating shapes, pictures, patterns, or whatever your heart desires.
This is a good activity for learning shapes, copying shapes, mirroring, pattern creating, developing fine motor skills, encouraging table top play and extended periods of concentration.
E has also had fun removing some nails and hammering them back in to the holes.
There's an activity at preschool that E is drawn to, so I thought I would make a home version. It is basically a... Shape board? I have no idea what it's called, but this is what you will need
A square piece of wood
Nails (flat topped are best)
A hammer
Measuring tape/ruler
Lead pencil
Rubber bands or similar
We got our wood from Bunnings. We bought a 1.2m length of pine for around $9, which we got my Dad to cut in to 5 squares. We only need one square, but can use the rest for other projects.
Sand the edges of the wood if you need to, then using your ruler and pencil, mark the wood with equally spaces dots to create a grid, like so
Next, you need to hammer a nail in to each pencil mark. How deep you go is up to you, but don't flatten it. I hammered them in to start then let E give them a whack for good measure. Great fine motor activity, also wonderful for concentration! But parental supervision is a must with littlies like E.
When you have finished hammering, you are done! Grab your elastic bands (or hair bands, in our case!) and you can start creating shapes, pictures, patterns, or whatever your heart desires.
This is a good activity for learning shapes, copying shapes, mirroring, pattern creating, developing fine motor skills, encouraging table top play and extended periods of concentration.
E has also had fun removing some nails and hammering them back in to the holes.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Triple Threat
Today I had a meeting/interview with an autism advisor who gave me a sort of information packet, and informed me that E had been approved for government funding. The funding is available for therapies - mainly occupational therapy, speech therapy and psychology - and some equipment if required. This means we can see the OT, and start seeing a speech therapist and a psychologist, without any out of pocket cost to us. The funding must be used before E turns 7, and is capped at $6000 a year (maximum of $12,000.) We have seen a psychologist, but did not achieve much from the sessions. We've been given a list of psychologists who work with autistic kids specifically which will (hopefully) work much better for us. Fingers crossed.
This will ensure we are covering all bases, now, and giving him the best shot at an easy and stress-free transition to school. OT + speech + psych = success! Hopefully!
She said that I obviously have my head screwed on and that I seem to have a good grasp on what E needs. She commended me for having started therapy (psych and OT) before receiving a diagnosis, so that was good. She says we will be doing all we can be doing.
I did want to ask her specifically about schooling, as that is something we really wanted an expert opinion on. She said it is best to focus on public schooling as that is where the most support will be, and she said to start contacting schools in term 1 of 2013, so in a few months. He will start formal schooling in 2014 when he is 5 and a half. She has given me a list of what specific support classes are called and the specifics of them so that I am familiar with the "lingo," but I think he would be best in a mainstream class. We shall see.
All in all, it was a fairly positive meeting and I am feeling more confident about where we are headed. Now off to do more research, reading, googling ....
This will ensure we are covering all bases, now, and giving him the best shot at an easy and stress-free transition to school. OT + speech + psych = success! Hopefully!
She said that I obviously have my head screwed on and that I seem to have a good grasp on what E needs. She commended me for having started therapy (psych and OT) before receiving a diagnosis, so that was good. She says we will be doing all we can be doing.
I did want to ask her specifically about schooling, as that is something we really wanted an expert opinion on. She said it is best to focus on public schooling as that is where the most support will be, and she said to start contacting schools in term 1 of 2013, so in a few months. He will start formal schooling in 2014 when he is 5 and a half. She has given me a list of what specific support classes are called and the specifics of them so that I am familiar with the "lingo," but I think he would be best in a mainstream class. We shall see.
All in all, it was a fairly positive meeting and I am feeling more confident about where we are headed. Now off to do more research, reading, googling ....
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Anxiety
E's anxiety is particularly high at the moment. I am going to the cinema in 3 days and he is already flipping out about it. He won't leave my side, preferring to be on top of me when I'm sitting, or trying to climb under my clothes when I'm standing. He says he doesn't want to stay home with his Dad, but nobody else can watch him. Besides, I know he will be fine with husbandface! It is good for husband to spend time alone with the kids, and good for the kids.
When there's something looming on the horizon that he is dreading, he starts to think and worry about other events in the future. So today, he is not only stressed about the cinema, but worrying about a pediatrician appt we have next month, worrying about going to pre-school next year, and worrying about all of us staying with my in-laws for Christmas. M is very sick today with a high fever, very lethargic and whingy, insisting I hold her at all times, so of course that is difficult for all of us, poor squishy girl.
The pediatrician, GP and OT have all suggested we think more seriously about anti-anxiety medication. It's on days like these that I get where they are coming from, but it's still not a road I think we should go down!
When there's something looming on the horizon that he is dreading, he starts to think and worry about other events in the future. So today, he is not only stressed about the cinema, but worrying about a pediatrician appt we have next month, worrying about going to pre-school next year, and worrying about all of us staying with my in-laws for Christmas. M is very sick today with a high fever, very lethargic and whingy, insisting I hold her at all times, so of course that is difficult for all of us, poor squishy girl.
The pediatrician, GP and OT have all suggested we think more seriously about anti-anxiety medication. It's on days like these that I get where they are coming from, but it's still not a road I think we should go down!
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Tired & Tranquil
I shall try to keep this short and sweet as it is way past my new (very early) bed time. Some people don't need much sleep to be happy and alert, some people need a lot. I am the latter. I have been making myself go to bed early and the benefits are astounding. I have more energy, more patience, am eating less, am yelling less. I miss evenings with my husband, but this it is worth it (sorry my love!)
E has been doing better since I last posted. He has started hoarding "scents" now, after I bought him a travel size body spray. All of husband face's and my deodorants, body sprays, perfumes and colognes are stored in a neat little line in his cupboard. He drowns himself in scent probably 20-30 times a day. We are trying to explain why it isn't very healthy to do that, but he does it anyway! The OT says that his sense of smell (like his sense of taste) is probably not strongly developed, which is why he loves strong tasting foods and smelly sprays. Bleugh. I am sure he will move on to something else soon. I hope, anyway.
I think perhaps I will take M out of day care until she is older. Husband face has offered me a weekend day to myself, every week, and I might just take it. She has been twice, been sick from there twice, and has been much clingier and unhappy. My instincts are screaming at me to take her out, but I still want to think about it for a little while longer.
That is truly pretty much all I have the energy to say. The weather has turned cooler, and the evening is so quiet. My baby girl is asleep beside me and I can hear E's gentle snores coming from the next room. Bliss.
E has been doing better since I last posted. He has started hoarding "scents" now, after I bought him a travel size body spray. All of husband face's and my deodorants, body sprays, perfumes and colognes are stored in a neat little line in his cupboard. He drowns himself in scent probably 20-30 times a day. We are trying to explain why it isn't very healthy to do that, but he does it anyway! The OT says that his sense of smell (like his sense of taste) is probably not strongly developed, which is why he loves strong tasting foods and smelly sprays. Bleugh. I am sure he will move on to something else soon. I hope, anyway.
I think perhaps I will take M out of day care until she is older. Husband face has offered me a weekend day to myself, every week, and I might just take it. She has been twice, been sick from there twice, and has been much clingier and unhappy. My instincts are screaming at me to take her out, but I still want to think about it for a little while longer.
That is truly pretty much all I have the energy to say. The weather has turned cooler, and the evening is so quiet. My baby girl is asleep beside me and I can hear E's gentle snores coming from the next room. Bliss.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Getting Away
Edit: just realised that the post before this was never published, but in short, I said "I am crying. My GP says I need a night away on my own. Maybe she is right. Woe is me!"
Well, my plan to have a night away did not come to fruition, though I did get a night out which was good. I got my hair cut and bought some Christmas presents. My hair cut is dreadful, so I have bought myself some hair wrap things to cover it up, but in a way it has been good to take my mind off of all the serious future shit I worry myself sick with.
I guess I still had a taste for 'getting away' in me somewhere, so I suggested we spend the night at my parents' holiday house. We packed some clothes, nappies and DVDs, and left within half an hour or so, leaving behind at least a week's worth of washing, a kitchen full of dirty dishes and a slightly wet and muddy (thanks, kids!) bathroom. Tomorrow, I shall deal with it. Today, I shall enjoy my beautiful family and eat take away.
I suppose as this is a blog about life with Elly B that I should talk about how he has handled our impromptu getaway. I am reluctant to do so as I feel like I have spent 99% of my words here blaming him, or resenting him, or painting some picture of him that is not true to life. So, as a bit if a disclaimer, it has been mostly pleasant and wonderful to have him with me today. Truly and honestly, he is my love and my light.
He was keen as mustard to go "on holidays" and was the first to pack his bag. He poured basically the entire contents of his drawers in to his backpack, along with a few other random bits and pieces. He bought with him 8 or 9 pairs of stretchy pants, 2 t-shirts (both dirty), a jumper, a hoodie, love heart undies, 5 pairs of socks (he very, very rarely wears socks), some skylander figurines, a roll of Christmas sticky tape, a Video Ezy catalogue, a toothbrush (very sensible!), waterbombs, and who knows what else! Just, you know, the essentials ;) Bless. He was wonderful in the car, talking to us about different kinds of spiders, and about Christmas, while M slept. It was lovely. I tried to go to the supermarket, and he started crying. This happens when we come up to the holiday house (which, albeit, is not very often). He is happy in the house itself, but very teary and anxious about the unfamiliar shopping centres, parks and supermarkets. We decides to just come straight to the house and order pizza for lunch, which he was much happier with.
My brother just moved out of the house and had left a huge basket full of Pokemon toys (kind of an obsession of my brother's, but that is a story for another day.) It was a spectacular discovery as E has very recently started getting interested in Pokemon. He didn't want to play with them, or even look at them. He just wanted them near him, safely tucked away in their basket, while he busied himself with other things. He pushed his sister away if she went near them, or screamed at her. We explained he must share them, which made him fidget uncomfortably, but he would pass one to her in the end. She would play for a while, but as soon as she put the Pokemon toy down, he would race over, scoop it up, and place it back in the basket. This was basically the only activity that took place this afternoon, barring an attempt by husband-face and I to build a train track with him. He stole the pieces from his sister and made one long, wavy track across the room. He didn't want to run the train on it, but didn't want anyone else to either.
We took then to the video shop which he was keen on because he had bought the catalogue along! Hooray! He picked 3 DVDs for himself: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Yugio (sp?) and a Scooby Doo film. We have never seen Yugio (gah should google), but he liked the look of it. We watched a bit of TMNT and he turned the TV off after 10 minutes or so. We haven't tried the others yet.
Bed time for him was a little heart breaking, as he was asking to go home. He cried and hid under the blanket, sobbing himself to sleep while I lay with him. I told him I was too tired to drive home, but we could go in the morning. He just wanted his own bed which I think is understandable.
For now, I feel more relaxed, less angry, more forgiving. It is a good feeling and I hope it lasts for a good, long while.
Good night.
Well, my plan to have a night away did not come to fruition, though I did get a night out which was good. I got my hair cut and bought some Christmas presents. My hair cut is dreadful, so I have bought myself some hair wrap things to cover it up, but in a way it has been good to take my mind off of all the serious future shit I worry myself sick with.
I guess I still had a taste for 'getting away' in me somewhere, so I suggested we spend the night at my parents' holiday house. We packed some clothes, nappies and DVDs, and left within half an hour or so, leaving behind at least a week's worth of washing, a kitchen full of dirty dishes and a slightly wet and muddy (thanks, kids!) bathroom. Tomorrow, I shall deal with it. Today, I shall enjoy my beautiful family and eat take away.
I suppose as this is a blog about life with Elly B that I should talk about how he has handled our impromptu getaway. I am reluctant to do so as I feel like I have spent 99% of my words here blaming him, or resenting him, or painting some picture of him that is not true to life. So, as a bit if a disclaimer, it has been mostly pleasant and wonderful to have him with me today. Truly and honestly, he is my love and my light.
He was keen as mustard to go "on holidays" and was the first to pack his bag. He poured basically the entire contents of his drawers in to his backpack, along with a few other random bits and pieces. He bought with him 8 or 9 pairs of stretchy pants, 2 t-shirts (both dirty), a jumper, a hoodie, love heart undies, 5 pairs of socks (he very, very rarely wears socks), some skylander figurines, a roll of Christmas sticky tape, a Video Ezy catalogue, a toothbrush (very sensible!), waterbombs, and who knows what else! Just, you know, the essentials ;) Bless. He was wonderful in the car, talking to us about different kinds of spiders, and about Christmas, while M slept. It was lovely. I tried to go to the supermarket, and he started crying. This happens when we come up to the holiday house (which, albeit, is not very often). He is happy in the house itself, but very teary and anxious about the unfamiliar shopping centres, parks and supermarkets. We decides to just come straight to the house and order pizza for lunch, which he was much happier with.
My brother just moved out of the house and had left a huge basket full of Pokemon toys (kind of an obsession of my brother's, but that is a story for another day.) It was a spectacular discovery as E has very recently started getting interested in Pokemon. He didn't want to play with them, or even look at them. He just wanted them near him, safely tucked away in their basket, while he busied himself with other things. He pushed his sister away if she went near them, or screamed at her. We explained he must share them, which made him fidget uncomfortably, but he would pass one to her in the end. She would play for a while, but as soon as she put the Pokemon toy down, he would race over, scoop it up, and place it back in the basket. This was basically the only activity that took place this afternoon, barring an attempt by husband-face and I to build a train track with him. He stole the pieces from his sister and made one long, wavy track across the room. He didn't want to run the train on it, but didn't want anyone else to either.
We took then to the video shop which he was keen on because he had bought the catalogue along! Hooray! He picked 3 DVDs for himself: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Yugio (sp?) and a Scooby Doo film. We have never seen Yugio (gah should google), but he liked the look of it. We watched a bit of TMNT and he turned the TV off after 10 minutes or so. We haven't tried the others yet.
Bed time for him was a little heart breaking, as he was asking to go home. He cried and hid under the blanket, sobbing himself to sleep while I lay with him. I told him I was too tired to drive home, but we could go in the morning. He just wanted his own bed which I think is understandable.
For now, I feel more relaxed, less angry, more forgiving. It is a good feeling and I hope it lasts for a good, long while.
Good night.
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Appointment Avoidance, and Redbank House
I did make it to my GP appointment today, but had to leave E behind in the end, which meant leaving him with my Mum while she was at work - far from ideal. From the moment he woke up, there were tears and whinging about not wanting to go. This quickly escalated to the point of him almost vomitting, and not being able to control his breathing while I tried to put him in the car. And of course, this coincided with a tantrum by M who did not want to wear a dress, but wanted to wear just a nappy and dirty t-shirt. Farkleberries. So, I conceded defeat and asked my Mum to have him, which also meant we did not so the preschool visit. We will try again tomorrow.
While I was there, I did what I'm sure all GPs hate, and said "while I'm here... Can I quickly talk about E?" I asked for a referral for E to a place called Redbank House. Redbank House is a child and adolescent psychiatric treatment centre and school. Our pediatrician had suggested it when we saw him, and we wanted to look in to it a bit more. I am Really struggling with him at the moment, and part of their services include parent support and parenting skills type stuff which we think might be useful. So, I am shit scared but perhaps it will help.
We are also in the process of putting our house on the market for sale, and I owe the solicitor some paperwork I completely forgot about.
Need. A. Holiday.
But will instead spend afternoon lounging in front of Telly with children (as much as humanly possible, at any rate!) while editing some photos. Housework? Pff. Housework is for suckers.
While I was there, I did what I'm sure all GPs hate, and said "while I'm here... Can I quickly talk about E?" I asked for a referral for E to a place called Redbank House. Redbank House is a child and adolescent psychiatric treatment centre and school. Our pediatrician had suggested it when we saw him, and we wanted to look in to it a bit more. I am Really struggling with him at the moment, and part of their services include parent support and parenting skills type stuff which we think might be useful. So, I am shit scared but perhaps it will help.
We are also in the process of putting our house on the market for sale, and I owe the solicitor some paperwork I completely forgot about.
Need. A. Holiday.
But will instead spend afternoon lounging in front of Telly with children (as much as humanly possible, at any rate!) while editing some photos. Housework? Pff. Housework is for suckers.
The Wrong Child in Child Care
M started day care today, for one day a week. She is 21 months old. I was hoping to not have to put her in care until she was 3 and could go to a not-for-profit Pre-school. I am disappointed in myself for putting her in care. I don't work, I don't study, and it's not like we just have a spare $88 a day laying around. But I felt like I had to as respite for both of us - her from Elly Belly, and me from having to stop him harassing her all the time. Ideally, E would be in child care, and I could give the baby the time I feel she needs and deserves, just like E had when he was her age. I am trying to not feel too resentful, guilty or worried. I hate that I don't know what goes on there. They said she was mostly O.K., but what about when she is not O.K.?
She came out of it unscathed, proud as punch of her crepe paper Christmas tree on a string, and the same as ever. So I shall to try and focus on her success and push my concerns to the back of my mind.
E, on the other hand, is quite traumatised by it all. Perhaps he is concerned for his sister, perhaps he is sensing that it is his turn next. Either way, he is not handling it well, lashing out, spitting, screaming, crying, insisting on being within about a metre radius of me at all times, refusing to go any where and crying with anxiety already about places where we are going later in the week. It is frustrating beyond measure, and dreadfully upsetting on top of an already emotional day. I have a GP appointment at 10:30 tomorrow that he insists he can NOT come to, but there is nobody to watch him, so there will be tears and so on. I am tempted to cancel, but there will never be a good time, will there? And I am going to attempt another pre-school visit with him after the GP, which he is also adamant he will NOT be apart of. I was so hoping to go today while I didn't have M to cart around, too.
wish me luck!
She came out of it unscathed, proud as punch of her crepe paper Christmas tree on a string, and the same as ever. So I shall to try and focus on her success and push my concerns to the back of my mind.
E, on the other hand, is quite traumatised by it all. Perhaps he is concerned for his sister, perhaps he is sensing that it is his turn next. Either way, he is not handling it well, lashing out, spitting, screaming, crying, insisting on being within about a metre radius of me at all times, refusing to go any where and crying with anxiety already about places where we are going later in the week. It is frustrating beyond measure, and dreadfully upsetting on top of an already emotional day. I have a GP appointment at 10:30 tomorrow that he insists he can NOT come to, but there is nobody to watch him, so there will be tears and so on. I am tempted to cancel, but there will never be a good time, will there? And I am going to attempt another pre-school visit with him after the GP, which he is also adamant he will NOT be apart of. I was so hoping to go today while I didn't have M to cart around, too.
wish me luck!
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Pragmatics & Philosophies
We have been thinking quite a lot about our OT's suggestion that E see a Speech Therapist. I have also been doing a bit of reading about pragmatics. Now, I have done 3 semesters worth of linguistics courses at an undergraduate level, yet I still don't really know how to explain pragmatics, so forgive me if this makes no sense.
Pragmatics is the way we use language to communicate with others, and socialise. it is the way we convey meaning. A person can have a lexicon (head dictionary!) filled with tens of thousands of words, but still have a problem with pragmatics. So, is there a deficit in E's pragmatic language? It is hard to say. He is only four, so I am not sure if it's a characteristic of his PDD-NOS, or his language just hasn't developed to that point yet. One thing that sticks out with E is that he speaks as if nobody else is speaking, and nothing else is going on around him. For instance, he can be talking to me about spiders (a current fascination), so will be asking "why is a trap door spider called a trap door spider?" and meanwhile, his sister, M, is whinging for a drink and trying to clean in to the kitchen sink, so i am busy trying to sort her out. He keeps talking, keeps asking the same question, completely oblivious to what is going on, and ignores me when I say "in a minute", or "hang on a second, I'm just sorting M out." I do wonder, though, if that is his egocentrism. Jean Piaget asserted that between the ages of 2 and 7, children are in a stage of "egocentrism," i.e. they think the world revolves around them. Often literally! E will often ask "why is the sun following me?" So, I am not sure where to draw the line here. I'm not sure if it's a problem with pragmatics, or just plain old ego at work. I can not get out of not answering the question, though. I will get M's drink, move her away from the sink, settle her at the kitchen table with her drink and a snack, and he will still be asking the same question. I don't know what that means, if anything. I'm just trying to relate this linguistic thing to him. It is to do with turn taking as well, and he is not great at that, but again, he is 4.. And talking about things that only interest him? Again, 4. I just don't know!
In other news, I have applied for funding through the Helping Children With Autism Program to help us pay for therapies and some equipment. I faxed the application on the weekend, and got an email on Tuesday to say they had received the application, and we should hear something within 6 weeks. They also attached a document called Self Care for Families. There's a list of things that help us cope bette, e.g. having high self esteem, a sense of humour etc. There was one point that really made me think
a strong faith (or a constructive philosophy that gives life meaning)
I do not have a strong faith. I am an atheist through and through. But do I feel like life has meaning? I don't know. And I don't mean that in a nihilistic, depressed sort of way. I just think, we are biological creatures, living, breeding and dying, to fertilise the earth to grow the plants etc. So, do I have a constructive philosophy that gives life meaning? Um.. not really. Nothing that I can put in to words. I think it would be helpful to have something that I could focus on when I am not coping well, or we are having a particularly bad day. But I got nothing at the moment. I will keep thinking about it.
Pragmatics is the way we use language to communicate with others, and socialise. it is the way we convey meaning. A person can have a lexicon (head dictionary!) filled with tens of thousands of words, but still have a problem with pragmatics. So, is there a deficit in E's pragmatic language? It is hard to say. He is only four, so I am not sure if it's a characteristic of his PDD-NOS, or his language just hasn't developed to that point yet. One thing that sticks out with E is that he speaks as if nobody else is speaking, and nothing else is going on around him. For instance, he can be talking to me about spiders (a current fascination), so will be asking "why is a trap door spider called a trap door spider?" and meanwhile, his sister, M, is whinging for a drink and trying to clean in to the kitchen sink, so i am busy trying to sort her out. He keeps talking, keeps asking the same question, completely oblivious to what is going on, and ignores me when I say "in a minute", or "hang on a second, I'm just sorting M out." I do wonder, though, if that is his egocentrism. Jean Piaget asserted that between the ages of 2 and 7, children are in a stage of "egocentrism," i.e. they think the world revolves around them. Often literally! E will often ask "why is the sun following me?" So, I am not sure where to draw the line here. I'm not sure if it's a problem with pragmatics, or just plain old ego at work. I can not get out of not answering the question, though. I will get M's drink, move her away from the sink, settle her at the kitchen table with her drink and a snack, and he will still be asking the same question. I don't know what that means, if anything. I'm just trying to relate this linguistic thing to him. It is to do with turn taking as well, and he is not great at that, but again, he is 4.. And talking about things that only interest him? Again, 4. I just don't know!
In other news, I have applied for funding through the Helping Children With Autism Program to help us pay for therapies and some equipment. I faxed the application on the weekend, and got an email on Tuesday to say they had received the application, and we should hear something within 6 weeks. They also attached a document called Self Care for Families. There's a list of things that help us cope bette, e.g. having high self esteem, a sense of humour etc. There was one point that really made me think
a strong faith (or a constructive philosophy that gives life meaning)
I do not have a strong faith. I am an atheist through and through. But do I feel like life has meaning? I don't know. And I don't mean that in a nihilistic, depressed sort of way. I just think, we are biological creatures, living, breeding and dying, to fertilise the earth to grow the plants etc. So, do I have a constructive philosophy that gives life meaning? Um.. not really. Nothing that I can put in to words. I think it would be helpful to have something that I could focus on when I am not coping well, or we are having a particularly bad day. But I got nothing at the moment. I will keep thinking about it.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Pre-school Visits, Denim Shorts and Bed Time.
Today, we had a visit at E's future pre-school. It is a good opportunity for him to become familiar with the teachers, environment, and routine of going there, parking, walking in etc, we had M with us for the first time and E seemed more relaxed having his little sister there with him. M is almost 2.
We spent some time in the playground mainly watching the other children. We were approached by a few staff members in a friendly way, and he coped quite well. We spent some time in a busy classroom - his future classroom, in fact - and that was a little overwhelming. An empty classroom was next and this was much better for both of the kids. They looked at some bugs encased in resin with much fascination, and that prompted the director to loan us a book and a few puzzles that teamed with the theme. E was a little distressed thinking about how the bugs ended up in the resin, and even moreso when an overly enthusiastic learning support teacher showed him a glass covered pin board stuck full of butterflies. Eek!
But all in all, it was a successful visit and we lived to tell the tale!
So, as a reward for their bravery and participation, I promised the kids we could go to the shops. E wanted a "shirt with buttons" and M wanted "shirt. Blue." We ended up with neither, and instead spent an exorbitant amount of money on stretchy pants and Skylander t-shirts. However, we also had something of a break through with E, who was lusting after a pair of denim shorts in the boy's section. They were full price, and completely different to what he would usually wear, so I was reluctant to get them. I did, in the end, and he has worn them almost all day. Baby steps!
I feel like I have finally accepted that E needs me, and only me, for the bed time routine. When M is upset and wants her Mummy, we try and get E's dad to take him to bed, but it always ends in tears, tantrums, meltdowns, whathaveyou. The fact of the matter is that he simply can not cope with anyone else supervising the teeth brushing, taking him to the loo, and then cuddling up with him in bed. I hate that if we explain that I just can NOT do it (for whatever reason) that that is not acceptable. There is Elly Belly and his world, and all he hears is "I am not going to do what you need me to do." There is no reasoning, no coaxing, no ability to think beyond his own needs at that time. And it sucks. But it is what it is.
We spent some time in the playground mainly watching the other children. We were approached by a few staff members in a friendly way, and he coped quite well. We spent some time in a busy classroom - his future classroom, in fact - and that was a little overwhelming. An empty classroom was next and this was much better for both of the kids. They looked at some bugs encased in resin with much fascination, and that prompted the director to loan us a book and a few puzzles that teamed with the theme. E was a little distressed thinking about how the bugs ended up in the resin, and even moreso when an overly enthusiastic learning support teacher showed him a glass covered pin board stuck full of butterflies. Eek!
But all in all, it was a successful visit and we lived to tell the tale!
So, as a reward for their bravery and participation, I promised the kids we could go to the shops. E wanted a "shirt with buttons" and M wanted "shirt. Blue." We ended up with neither, and instead spent an exorbitant amount of money on stretchy pants and Skylander t-shirts. However, we also had something of a break through with E, who was lusting after a pair of denim shorts in the boy's section. They were full price, and completely different to what he would usually wear, so I was reluctant to get them. I did, in the end, and he has worn them almost all day. Baby steps!
I feel like I have finally accepted that E needs me, and only me, for the bed time routine. When M is upset and wants her Mummy, we try and get E's dad to take him to bed, but it always ends in tears, tantrums, meltdowns, whathaveyou. The fact of the matter is that he simply can not cope with anyone else supervising the teeth brushing, taking him to the loo, and then cuddling up with him in bed. I hate that if we explain that I just can NOT do it (for whatever reason) that that is not acceptable. There is Elly Belly and his world, and all he hears is "I am not going to do what you need me to do." There is no reasoning, no coaxing, no ability to think beyond his own needs at that time. And it sucks. But it is what it is.
Monday, October 22, 2012
Obligatory Introductory Post
Hello. I am Elly Belly's Mum, among other things. I am also a wife, M's Mum, a 27 year old, a Pisces. I'm sure anything else relevant will come up.
Why a blog? What is this place?
I'm not really sure yet. I have always been a writer, a journal scrawler, angsty poet and so on, so it's only natural that I would come back and begin yet another blog.
Elly Belly is my (our) 4 year old. He has just been diagnosed with Pervasive Development Disorder - Not Otherwise Specified (PDD-NOS for short), an Autism Spectrum Disorder that basically means he does not meet the criteria specified for Autism or Asperger's Disorder, but had enough of the characteristics to warrant an Autism diagnosis.
This did not really come as a surprise to us. We know he is not a typical four year old, but I guess I am still not 100% convinced he is autistic. But maybe I am in denial. Who bloody knows.
What I do know is that I am angry. I am jealous of my friends and family who have typical children. I am completely overwhelmed. I am upset. I want to talk about it all the time, but don't know who to talk to. Then other times, I don't want to talk to anyone. About anything.
So, what is E like?
He is smart. He likes to talk and he talks a lot. He likes talking about numbers, especially. He doesn't group them or write them or any of those typical autism things. He mostly just asks how old people are, if one number is bigger than another, how many hands make X number, how much is x plus x. He speaks like an adult at times. People seem to expect so much if him because of this. He says things like "those dandelions look divine" and "boys are often taller than girls."
He is kooky. He collects random things and always has. He walked early, at 8 months old, and would walk round grasping an object in each hand; toothbrushes, balloons on strings, chunky textas, sticks. These days, he hoards junk in plastic bags or kid's suitcases, or makes piles of things that nobody is allowed to touch ever ever! At the moment, it is a bottle of hair gel, a can of hair mousse, temporary tattoos and a packet of licorice.
He has a sensory modulation disorder. Aka sensory processing disorder, sensory "issues", sensory defensiveness, whatever you want to call it. We are often asked this question - "And how does that manifest itself?"
Usually, I explain that he can only wear certain types of clothing. His 'uniform' is a pair of girl's leggings and an oversized t-shirt. Some days, he will wear underwear. Some days, he will wear skinny jeans. He likes clothes that are soft, so I use fabric softener and everything is 100% cotton. He likes 3 day old clothes, especially, often stained beyond recognition, but soft from wear. It is not just a matter of making him wear something. I can't put a pair of track suit pants on him on a cold day and expect he will eventually stop fussing about it. He would scream (and has done) for however long it took to remove them and replace them with his "stretchy pants." We spent the winter he turned 3 inside as there was no jumper, jacket or coat on earth that he would wear.
But his sensory processing disorder (SPD) is so much more than just his clothes. He craves highly flavoured foods. He loves lollies and chocolate, anything sickly sweet. He also loves pickled onions (hence the blog address!), olives, pickled cucumbers, vinegar, cracked black pepper, spicy salsa. Fortunately, he also loves fruit. We have been through phases where he has had to wipe his mouth after every bite of food.
He has poor awareness of where his body is in space, but he is not clumsy. He crashes and jumps and bumps like a jumping bean on crack. We gave up long ago on keeping our sofa in a reasonable condition, and have resolved ourselves to the fact that it might as well be an indoor trampoline.
He plays roughly with other children, but only if he can overcome his overwhelming anxiety about actually going near them.
I guess those are the main things because now I'm not sure what to write. He has super dooper anxiety, mainly regarding strangers, new places, and appointments. He wakes several times a night, goes to sleep with me beside him etc.
Things are always improving, but at the same time, thing get much worse.
We have seen a psychologist, numerous GPs, and have been in occupational therapy (OT) for months now. We have also just started visiting with a preschool to try and get him ready to go next year. It is going very well, much better than expected, so that is great.
My battery is at 1% so I think this is a good time to stop. More to come I expect!
Why a blog? What is this place?
I'm not really sure yet. I have always been a writer, a journal scrawler, angsty poet and so on, so it's only natural that I would come back and begin yet another blog.
Elly Belly is my (our) 4 year old. He has just been diagnosed with Pervasive Development Disorder - Not Otherwise Specified (PDD-NOS for short), an Autism Spectrum Disorder that basically means he does not meet the criteria specified for Autism or Asperger's Disorder, but had enough of the characteristics to warrant an Autism diagnosis.
This did not really come as a surprise to us. We know he is not a typical four year old, but I guess I am still not 100% convinced he is autistic. But maybe I am in denial. Who bloody knows.
What I do know is that I am angry. I am jealous of my friends and family who have typical children. I am completely overwhelmed. I am upset. I want to talk about it all the time, but don't know who to talk to. Then other times, I don't want to talk to anyone. About anything.
So, what is E like?
He is smart. He likes to talk and he talks a lot. He likes talking about numbers, especially. He doesn't group them or write them or any of those typical autism things. He mostly just asks how old people are, if one number is bigger than another, how many hands make X number, how much is x plus x. He speaks like an adult at times. People seem to expect so much if him because of this. He says things like "those dandelions look divine" and "boys are often taller than girls."
He is kooky. He collects random things and always has. He walked early, at 8 months old, and would walk round grasping an object in each hand; toothbrushes, balloons on strings, chunky textas, sticks. These days, he hoards junk in plastic bags or kid's suitcases, or makes piles of things that nobody is allowed to touch ever ever! At the moment, it is a bottle of hair gel, a can of hair mousse, temporary tattoos and a packet of licorice.
He has a sensory modulation disorder. Aka sensory processing disorder, sensory "issues", sensory defensiveness, whatever you want to call it. We are often asked this question - "And how does that manifest itself?"
Usually, I explain that he can only wear certain types of clothing. His 'uniform' is a pair of girl's leggings and an oversized t-shirt. Some days, he will wear underwear. Some days, he will wear skinny jeans. He likes clothes that are soft, so I use fabric softener and everything is 100% cotton. He likes 3 day old clothes, especially, often stained beyond recognition, but soft from wear. It is not just a matter of making him wear something. I can't put a pair of track suit pants on him on a cold day and expect he will eventually stop fussing about it. He would scream (and has done) for however long it took to remove them and replace them with his "stretchy pants." We spent the winter he turned 3 inside as there was no jumper, jacket or coat on earth that he would wear.
But his sensory processing disorder (SPD) is so much more than just his clothes. He craves highly flavoured foods. He loves lollies and chocolate, anything sickly sweet. He also loves pickled onions (hence the blog address!), olives, pickled cucumbers, vinegar, cracked black pepper, spicy salsa. Fortunately, he also loves fruit. We have been through phases where he has had to wipe his mouth after every bite of food.
He has poor awareness of where his body is in space, but he is not clumsy. He crashes and jumps and bumps like a jumping bean on crack. We gave up long ago on keeping our sofa in a reasonable condition, and have resolved ourselves to the fact that it might as well be an indoor trampoline.
He plays roughly with other children, but only if he can overcome his overwhelming anxiety about actually going near them.
I guess those are the main things because now I'm not sure what to write. He has super dooper anxiety, mainly regarding strangers, new places, and appointments. He wakes several times a night, goes to sleep with me beside him etc.
Things are always improving, but at the same time, thing get much worse.
We have seen a psychologist, numerous GPs, and have been in occupational therapy (OT) for months now. We have also just started visiting with a preschool to try and get him ready to go next year. It is going very well, much better than expected, so that is great.
My battery is at 1% so I think this is a good time to stop. More to come I expect!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)