New People - The Speechie, & Ambivalent Attachment

Well, I am glad the speech assessment is over. It was supposed to take 45 minutes and ended up taking an hour and 45 minutes. E started sobbing the minute I said we were going to meet the speech pathologist, and didn't give me much chance to explain or try and reassure him, so I opted for a bribe quite early on in the day. I said I would take him to get a new miniature skateboard or bike (those little rip-off things that fit in your hand that he is currently obsessed with) before we went to the appointment. So, he calmed down and we went to the shop. He picked his little toy and we drove from there to the Speech Pathologist's. At first, he was O.K. I was actually quite relieved because he just sat on the bench waiting patiently for her, wheeling his new mini bike up and down his leg. He sat next to me, trying to bury himself in to my back/side/shirt as we went through some paperwork, but would not sit opposite her at the desk to do the assessments. He wouldn't speak at all, but fortunately, the first task just required him to point at some pictures. He was sitting half on me, half on the ground, t-shirt pulled up over his head with one eye looking out while sucking his collar. He went from getting every question correct to stuffing them all up, so the therapist and I tried to get him out of his t-shirt, off me and on to a chair.

Cue meltdown.

The therapist said to him "I don't think you even CAN talk" and E started shaking. His face went bright red and he SCREAMED at her "I CAN talk ACTUALLY!" and cried, and cried, and cried, and hid under the tiny chair, pulled at my clothes, ripped my hair etc. Awesome. In the end, the therapist ended up hiding in her office and spying on us while I did the assessment. Fortunately, it was all pretty straight forward for me, but jeepers. Exhausting.

Anyway, the good news is that we were right, and he doesn't seem to have any significant problems with his speech. We ran so far over time that she couldn't do one particular assessment, so we have to go back next week I think. Ahhh! Anyway, she said he just struggled a bit with pronouns e.g. His/hers, but I have never noticed a problem with that in real life. Otherwise, he struggled a bit with repeating sentences I said to him. I think he is just not a very good listener, especially in that situation! Anyhow, she said probably another 2 sessions and we will be done. Hooray!

Moving on to

Ambivalent Attachment

So, Attachment Theory (according to Wikipedia) describes the dynamics of long-term relationships between humans. Its most important tenet is that an infant needs to develop a relationship with at least one primary caregiver for social and emotional development to occur normally. Attachment theory explains how much the parents relationship with the child influences development. So this is all relevant for a 0-2 year old which is when these attachment behaviors are being established. Childhood, adolescence and adulthood all follow on from that so can obviously be effected.

Secure Attachment is what you want for your kids. It means they will cry when you leave, and be comforted by your return. You are their rock, and you are stable and consistent enough that they trust and rely on you to be the one who looks after them.

Ambivalent Attachment is different. Also known as Anxious Attachment, it describes a much smaller number of children who respond with a great deal of distress when the primary caregiver leaves, but are both comforted and aggravated by her return. It is the 'push/pull' kid, who pushes the caregiver away then panic and pulls them back again.

Oh Lordy is this our boy. It comes from inconsistent, incoherent or ambivalent responses from parents to a child's needs. Jeepers I am bawling just writing this. It doesn't necessarily come from negligent parents, or terrible parents. It can happen in children who are put in to day care at a young age, children with parents who are physically or mentally ill.
We don't know how this has happened to E. Not entirely. Research suggests it is something that can be passed down from generation to generation, and it was both mine and husband face's experiences as a child. I am trying not to get too cut up about it. I love E and always have, but we were very young when we had him, and I was so very, very depressed. I always said I was a terrible mother and maybe I am. Or maybe he is just a particularly sensitive kind of kid. Maybe it is our histories. Fuck, I don't know. I want to fix it. That's what I do know. I want to break the cycle. By some miracle, M has a secure attachment, so at least we have only managed to f*** one kid up.
I don't know how to fix it, but I hope we have figured this out in time to help him.

I can't speak for husband face's childhood, and out of respect for my parents, I won't talk about them either, but the impact of their histories are starting to become clear. It is obvious that our experiences in childhood help form the scaffolding of our own parenting styles, and I think there comes a point where you have to rip out all the rusty, wobbly bits for fear of collapse. Ya dig?

This is very hard to post about, very hard for me to even understand. I am
hoping our psychologist can really help us with this. All he did was ask us if we'd read much on Attachment Theory and I have read all the rest of this on my own, and all of these little bombs were exploding in my head as I read. I am not a professional, so maybe I am on the wrong track, but I'm not usually. We will see. Lots of work to do. I feel fuxking terrible.

That Familiar Feeling...

of DREAD! Ugh!

I managed to book E in for a speech assessment tomorrow morning. He doesn't know yet that we are going. I don't want to risk him losing sleep worrying about it. The speech pathologist seems very nice. She had a son with autism herself, and has a special interest in helping families who have children 'on the spectrum.' We discussed whether or not we though he even needed therapy (remembering that husband and I never even considered it for E until our occupational therapist suggested it), and her opinion based on what I told her is that he would probably benefit more from time spent at preschool or with other kids than he would from therapy. But we (she and I) decided to go ahead and assess him anyway, and see if any concerns are raised.
She needs him to be calm (unlikely), cooperative (highly unlikely) and preferably, alone (impossible.) She had also requested we leave M at home. Any time we go somewhere without her, he knows it will be intense, but I understand it from the therapist's point of view.

M is actually getting considerably harder to take to E's appointments. She is approaching 2 years old, and is really living up to the role of the tantruming toddler! She has developed a particular dislike of wearing nappies, but is not ready for toilet training, so every nappy change is like wrestling a tiny crocodile. If you can get the nappy on her, she generally manages to figure how to take it off, quite often in public, and rolls about on the ground squealing "I a sushi roll! I a sushi roll!"
I imagine it will get trickier before it gets easier.

Anyway, wish me luck. Next blog post I will talk about something called Ambivalent Attachment. I bet you can hardly wait ;)

New People - The Psych

Yesterday afternoon, I called a psychologist who sounded (from some online blurbs) like a good choice for us. He is a clinical psychologist, as well as a developmental and behavioral psychologist. They had a free appointment at 10 this morning so we met him today before our occupational therapy session. He is very good, and E seemed quite comfortable there. I think he may have even said a few words, which is remarkable. He seems very clued in to what we might need, and I am looking forward to us working with him. He is also extremely good looking *blush.* Not a necessary attribute, but it does well to increase my enthusiasm.

I know we haven't been doing nothing, but it has felt a bit like we have been stuck on pause for a while now, and this week, someone has hit the play button.

Have a happy weekend x

A Little Project

I stayed up until the wee hours of this morning googling schools, speech therapists etc. I woke up this morning very tired and full of regret! I was falling asleep on the sofa and thought, I need to go out before I flake out!! So, I took the kids to the hardware store to get some supplies for a project.


There's an activity at preschool that E is drawn to, so I thought I would make a home version. It is basically a... Shape board? I have no idea what it's called, but this is what you will need
A square piece of wood
Nails (flat topped are best)
A hammer
Measuring tape/ruler
Lead pencil
Rubber bands or similar

We got our wood from Bunnings. We bought a 1.2m length of pine for around $9, which we got my Dad to cut in to 5 squares. We only need one square, but can use the rest for other projects.
Sand the edges of the wood if you need to, then using your ruler and pencil, mark the wood with equally spaces dots to create a grid, like so

Next, you need to hammer a nail in to each pencil mark. How deep you go is up to you, but don't flatten it. I hammered them in to start then let E give them a whack for good measure. Great fine motor activity, also wonderful for concentration! But parental supervision is a must with littlies like E.

When you have finished hammering, you are done! Grab your elastic bands (or hair bands, in our case!) and you can start creating shapes, pictures, patterns, or whatever your heart desires.

This is a good activity for learning shapes, copying shapes, mirroring, pattern creating, developing fine motor skills, encouraging table top play and extended periods of concentration.
E has also had fun removing some nails and hammering them back in to the holes.

Triple Threat

Today I had a meeting/interview with an autism advisor who gave me a sort of information packet, and informed me that E had been approved for government funding. The funding is available for therapies - mainly occupational therapy, speech therapy and psychology - and some equipment if required. This means we can see the OT, and start seeing a speech therapist and a psychologist, without any out of pocket cost to us. The funding must be used before E turns 7, and is capped at $6000 a year (maximum of $12,000.) We have seen a psychologist, but did not achieve much from the sessions. We've been given a list of psychologists who work with autistic kids specifically which will (hopefully) work much better for us. Fingers crossed.

This will ensure we are covering all bases, now, and giving him the best shot at an easy and stress-free transition to school. OT + speech + psych = success! Hopefully!

She said that I obviously have my head screwed on and that I seem to have a good grasp on what E needs. She commended me for having started therapy (psych and OT) before receiving a diagnosis, so that was good. She says we will be doing all we can be doing.

I did want to ask her specifically about schooling, as that is something we really wanted an expert opinion on. She said it is best to focus on public schooling as that is where the most support will be, and she said to start contacting schools in term 1 of 2013, so in a few months. He will start formal schooling in 2014 when he is 5 and a half. She has given me a list of what specific support classes are called and the specifics of them so that I am familiar with the "lingo," but I think he would be best in a mainstream class. We shall see.

All in all, it was a fairly positive meeting and I am feeling more confident about where we are headed. Now off to do more research, reading, googling ....

Anxiety

E's anxiety is particularly high at the moment. I am going to the cinema in 3 days and he is already flipping out about it. He won't leave my side, preferring to be on top of me when I'm sitting, or trying to climb under my clothes when I'm standing. He says he doesn't want to stay home with his Dad, but nobody else can watch him. Besides, I know he will be fine with husbandface! It is good for husband to spend time alone with the kids, and good for the kids.

When there's something looming on the horizon that he is dreading, he starts to think and worry about other events in the future. So today, he is not only stressed about the cinema, but worrying about a pediatrician appt we have next month, worrying about going to pre-school next year, and worrying about all of us staying with my in-laws for Christmas. M is very sick today with a high fever, very lethargic and whingy, insisting I hold her at all times, so of course that is difficult for all of us, poor squishy girl.

The pediatrician, GP and OT have all suggested we think more seriously about anti-anxiety medication. It's on days like these that I get where they are coming from, but it's still not a road I think we should go down!

Tired & Tranquil

I shall try to keep this short and sweet as it is way past my new (very early) bed time. Some people don't need much sleep to be happy and alert, some people need a lot. I am the latter. I have been making myself go to bed early and the benefits are astounding. I have more energy, more patience, am eating less, am yelling less. I miss evenings with my husband, but this it is worth it (sorry my love!)

E has been doing better since I last posted. He has started hoarding "scents" now, after I bought him a travel size body spray. All of husband face's and my deodorants, body sprays, perfumes and colognes are stored in a neat little line in his cupboard. He drowns himself in scent probably 20-30 times a day. We are trying to explain why it isn't very healthy to do that, but he does it anyway! The OT says that his sense of smell (like his sense of taste) is probably not strongly developed, which is why he loves strong tasting foods and smelly sprays. Bleugh. I am sure he will move on to something else soon. I hope, anyway.


I think perhaps I will take M out of day care until she is older. Husband face has offered me a weekend day to myself, every week, and I might just take it. She has been twice, been sick from there twice, and has been much clingier and unhappy. My instincts are screaming at me to take her out, but I still want to think about it for a little while longer.


That is truly pretty much all I have the energy to say. The weather has turned cooler, and the evening is so quiet. My baby girl is asleep beside me and I can hear E's gentle snores coming from the next room. Bliss.

Getting Away

Edit: just realised that the post before this was never published, but in short, I said "I am crying. My GP says I need a night away on my own. Maybe she is right. Woe is me!"



Well, my plan to have a night away did not come to fruition, though I did get a night out which was good. I got my hair cut and bought some Christmas presents. My hair cut is dreadful, so I have bought myself some hair wrap things to cover it up, but in a way it has been good to take my mind off of all the serious future shit I worry myself sick with.


I guess I still had a taste for 'getting away' in me somewhere, so I suggested we spend the night at my parents' holiday house. We packed some clothes, nappies and DVDs, and left within half an hour or so, leaving behind at least a week's worth of washing, a kitchen full of dirty dishes and a slightly wet and muddy (thanks, kids!) bathroom. Tomorrow, I shall deal with it. Today, I shall enjoy my beautiful family and eat take away.



I suppose as this is a blog about life with Elly B that I should talk about how he has handled our impromptu getaway. I am reluctant to do so as I feel like I have spent 99% of my words here blaming him, or resenting him, or painting some picture of him that is not true to life. So, as a bit if a disclaimer, it has been mostly pleasant and wonderful to have him with me today. Truly and honestly, he is my love and my light.



He was keen as mustard to go "on holidays" and was the first to pack his bag. He poured basically the entire contents of his drawers in to his backpack, along with a few other random bits and pieces. He bought with him 8 or 9 pairs of stretchy pants, 2 t-shirts (both dirty), a jumper, a hoodie, love heart undies, 5 pairs of socks (he very, very rarely wears socks), some skylander figurines, a roll of Christmas sticky tape, a Video Ezy catalogue, a toothbrush (very sensible!), waterbombs, and who knows what else! Just, you know, the essentials ;) Bless. He was wonderful in the car, talking to us about different kinds of spiders, and about Christmas, while M slept. It was lovely. I tried to go to the supermarket, and he started crying. This happens when we come up to the holiday house (which, albeit, is not very often). He is happy in the house itself, but very teary and anxious about the unfamiliar shopping centres, parks and supermarkets. We decides to just come straight to the house and order pizza for lunch, which he was much happier with.



My brother just moved out of the house and had left a huge basket full of Pokemon toys (kind of an obsession of my brother's, but that is a story for another day.) It was a spectacular discovery as E has very recently started getting interested in Pokemon. He didn't want to play with them, or even look at them. He just wanted them near him, safely tucked away in their basket, while he busied himself with other things. He pushed his sister away if she went near them, or screamed at her. We explained he must share them, which made him fidget uncomfortably, but he would pass one to her in the end. She would play for a while, but as soon as she put the Pokemon toy down, he would race over, scoop it up, and place it back in the basket. This was basically the only activity that took place this afternoon, barring an attempt by husband-face and I to build a train track with him. He stole the pieces from his sister and made one long, wavy track across the room. He didn't want to run the train on it, but didn't want anyone else to either.


We took then to the video shop which he was keen on because he had bought the catalogue along! Hooray! He picked 3 DVDs for himself: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Yugio (sp?) and a Scooby Doo film. We have never seen Yugio (gah should google), but he liked the look of it. We watched a bit of TMNT and he turned the TV off after 10 minutes or so. We haven't tried the others yet.


Bed time for him was a little heart breaking, as he was asking to go home. He cried and hid under the blanket, sobbing himself to sleep while I lay with him. I told him I was too tired to drive home, but we could go in the morning. He just wanted his own bed which I think is understandable.


For now, I feel more relaxed, less angry, more forgiving. It is a good feeling and I hope it lasts for a good, long while.



Good night.

Appointment Avoidance, and Redbank House

I did make it to my GP appointment today, but had to leave E behind in the end, which meant leaving him with my Mum while she was at work - far from ideal. From the moment he woke up, there were tears and whinging about not wanting to go. This quickly escalated to the point of him almost vomitting, and not being able to control his breathing while I tried to put him in the car. And of course, this coincided with a tantrum by M who did not want to wear a dress, but wanted to wear just a nappy and dirty t-shirt. Farkleberries. So, I conceded defeat and asked my Mum to have him, which also meant we did not so the preschool visit. We will try again tomorrow.


While I was there, I did what I'm sure all GPs hate, and said "while I'm here... Can I quickly talk about E?" I asked for a referral for E to a place called Redbank House. Redbank House is a child and adolescent psychiatric treatment centre and school. Our pediatrician had suggested it when we saw him, and we wanted to look in to it a bit more. I am Really struggling with him at the moment, and part of their services include parent support and parenting skills type stuff which we think might be useful. So, I am shit scared but perhaps it will help.



We are also in the process of putting our house on the market for sale, and I owe the solicitor some paperwork I completely forgot about.



Need. A. Holiday.

But will instead spend afternoon lounging in front of Telly with children (as much as humanly possible, at any rate!) while editing some photos. Housework? Pff. Housework is for suckers.

The Wrong Child in Child Care

M started day care today, for one day a week. She is 21 months old. I was hoping to not have to put her in care until she was 3 and could go to a not-for-profit Pre-school. I am disappointed in myself for putting her in care. I don't work, I don't study, and it's not like we just have a spare $88 a day laying around. But I felt like I had to as respite for both of us - her from Elly Belly, and me from having to stop him harassing her all the time. Ideally, E would be in child care, and I could give the baby the time I feel she needs and deserves, just like E had when he was her age. I am trying to not feel too resentful, guilty or worried. I hate that I don't know what goes on there. They said she was mostly O.K., but what about when she is not O.K.?

She came out of it unscathed, proud as punch of her crepe paper Christmas tree on a string, and the same as ever. So I shall to try and focus on her success and push my concerns to the back of my mind.


E, on the other hand, is quite traumatised by it all. Perhaps he is concerned for his sister, perhaps he is sensing that it is his turn next. Either way, he is not handling it well, lashing out, spitting, screaming, crying, insisting on being within about a metre radius of me at all times, refusing to go any where and crying with anxiety already about places where we are going later in the week. It is frustrating beyond measure, and dreadfully upsetting on top of an already emotional day. I have a GP appointment at 10:30 tomorrow that he insists he can NOT come to, but there is nobody to watch him, so there will be tears and so on. I am tempted to cancel, but there will never be a good time, will there? And I am going to attempt another pre-school visit with him after the GP, which he is also adamant he will NOT be apart of. I was so hoping to go today while I didn't have M to cart around, too.

wish me luck!