New People - The Speechie, & Ambivalent Attachment

Well, I am glad the speech assessment is over. It was supposed to take 45 minutes and ended up taking an hour and 45 minutes. E started sobbing the minute I said we were going to meet the speech pathologist, and didn't give me much chance to explain or try and reassure him, so I opted for a bribe quite early on in the day. I said I would take him to get a new miniature skateboard or bike (those little rip-off things that fit in your hand that he is currently obsessed with) before we went to the appointment. So, he calmed down and we went to the shop. He picked his little toy and we drove from there to the Speech Pathologist's. At first, he was O.K. I was actually quite relieved because he just sat on the bench waiting patiently for her, wheeling his new mini bike up and down his leg. He sat next to me, trying to bury himself in to my back/side/shirt as we went through some paperwork, but would not sit opposite her at the desk to do the assessments. He wouldn't speak at all, but fortunately, the first task just required him to point at some pictures. He was sitting half on me, half on the ground, t-shirt pulled up over his head with one eye looking out while sucking his collar. He went from getting every question correct to stuffing them all up, so the therapist and I tried to get him out of his t-shirt, off me and on to a chair.

Cue meltdown.

The therapist said to him "I don't think you even CAN talk" and E started shaking. His face went bright red and he SCREAMED at her "I CAN talk ACTUALLY!" and cried, and cried, and cried, and hid under the tiny chair, pulled at my clothes, ripped my hair etc. Awesome. In the end, the therapist ended up hiding in her office and spying on us while I did the assessment. Fortunately, it was all pretty straight forward for me, but jeepers. Exhausting.

Anyway, the good news is that we were right, and he doesn't seem to have any significant problems with his speech. We ran so far over time that she couldn't do one particular assessment, so we have to go back next week I think. Ahhh! Anyway, she said he just struggled a bit with pronouns e.g. His/hers, but I have never noticed a problem with that in real life. Otherwise, he struggled a bit with repeating sentences I said to him. I think he is just not a very good listener, especially in that situation! Anyhow, she said probably another 2 sessions and we will be done. Hooray!

Moving on to

Ambivalent Attachment

So, Attachment Theory (according to Wikipedia) describes the dynamics of long-term relationships between humans. Its most important tenet is that an infant needs to develop a relationship with at least one primary caregiver for social and emotional development to occur normally. Attachment theory explains how much the parents relationship with the child influences development. So this is all relevant for a 0-2 year old which is when these attachment behaviors are being established. Childhood, adolescence and adulthood all follow on from that so can obviously be effected.

Secure Attachment is what you want for your kids. It means they will cry when you leave, and be comforted by your return. You are their rock, and you are stable and consistent enough that they trust and rely on you to be the one who looks after them.

Ambivalent Attachment is different. Also known as Anxious Attachment, it describes a much smaller number of children who respond with a great deal of distress when the primary caregiver leaves, but are both comforted and aggravated by her return. It is the 'push/pull' kid, who pushes the caregiver away then panic and pulls them back again.

Oh Lordy is this our boy. It comes from inconsistent, incoherent or ambivalent responses from parents to a child's needs. Jeepers I am bawling just writing this. It doesn't necessarily come from negligent parents, or terrible parents. It can happen in children who are put in to day care at a young age, children with parents who are physically or mentally ill.
We don't know how this has happened to E. Not entirely. Research suggests it is something that can be passed down from generation to generation, and it was both mine and husband face's experiences as a child. I am trying not to get too cut up about it. I love E and always have, but we were very young when we had him, and I was so very, very depressed. I always said I was a terrible mother and maybe I am. Or maybe he is just a particularly sensitive kind of kid. Maybe it is our histories. Fuck, I don't know. I want to fix it. That's what I do know. I want to break the cycle. By some miracle, M has a secure attachment, so at least we have only managed to f*** one kid up.
I don't know how to fix it, but I hope we have figured this out in time to help him.

I can't speak for husband face's childhood, and out of respect for my parents, I won't talk about them either, but the impact of their histories are starting to become clear. It is obvious that our experiences in childhood help form the scaffolding of our own parenting styles, and I think there comes a point where you have to rip out all the rusty, wobbly bits for fear of collapse. Ya dig?

This is very hard to post about, very hard for me to even understand. I am
hoping our psychologist can really help us with this. All he did was ask us if we'd read much on Attachment Theory and I have read all the rest of this on my own, and all of these little bombs were exploding in my head as I read. I am not a professional, so maybe I am on the wrong track, but I'm not usually. We will see. Lots of work to do. I feel fuxking terrible.